Awkward Holiday Conversations: Your Girlfriend's Dad

Dad: How are you?
You: I’m good, it’s great to finally meet you.
Dad: You too, I hear a lot about you.
You: I hope it’s good. (Smile.)
Dad: It’s just a lot.
Girlfriend: (Laughs) I’m going to run to the bathroom. (Leaves)
Dad: She’s a good girl.
You: Yeah, she is.
Dad: What’s that supposed to mean?
You: She’s a nice girl, very sweet.
Dad: Sweet at what?
You: What?
Dad: I could kill you.
You: Excuse me?
Dad: I could kill you right now and no one would ever know.
You: Uh, I think that-
Dad: I just want you to know that. If you ever do anything with my daughter that you wouldn’t be willing to do in front of a baby orphan I will murder you. I have a hunting knife in my nightstand and I will slit your neck open. I’ll hide your body in the woods and animals will live in it as it decomposes and no one will ever find you.
You: I think we’re getting off on the wrong foot, I really-
Dad: I’d kill you dead.
You: What?
Dad: Don’t look at my daughter when she walks back into this room
You: I-
Dad: Because I will murder you, your family, all your friends and their families and their pets. And then I’ll go pollute a pond, on purpose. Are we clear?
You: I-
Dad: Are we clear?

Girlfriend re-enters

Girlfriend: Are you guys getting along?
Dad: Of course we are. (Looks at you menacingly)
130   Recording...
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