Mother & Daughter
A mother and her daughter were sitting in the family room one day, watching
a family channel when all of a sudden a porno scene pops up and then disappears.
The little girl asked her mother what the two people were doing and the mother replied, obviously shocked, "Oh, they're just baking cakes honey."

The next day the little girl goes to her mother in the kitchen and confesses that she saw mommy and daddy bake some cakes last night. The mother, again shocked, asked her daughter how she knew about that. Hence, the little girl replied "Because I Licked The Icing Off The Couch."

Calling in sick on Mondays
A man begins his new job on Thursday through Friday. He calls in on Monday and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

He worked the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls again, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the supervisor about him, to which the supervisor replies, "He's great! He does the work of two men, we need him."

So the boss calls the "sick-on-monday man" into his office and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Is there anything we can do to help? Is it drugs? Or perhaps alcohol?"

The man replies, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm screwing her."

The boss is shocked, "You screw your sister?!?"
To which the man bluntly answers, "Hey, I told you I was sick."